![]() The toilets flip open and spray their glistening waters around whilst the legs of the flimsier chairs literally curl and twist from the pleasure. I was also surprised at how much effort seemed to be put into animating the inanimate objects as they react to the grey blob’s manic thrusting. I did actually raise a few genuine smirks when perusing profiles with some of the outlandishly absurd writing. When timed correctly, this will produce a terrifyingly distinctive animation for each type of chair – one wooden chair literally exploded into its constituent parts when I brought it to the peak of its pleasure. To get an even higher rating, you’re given an opportunity to perform a finishing move – one final victorious thrust into your partner – where perfect timing is required to stop a sliding indicator right in the green sweet spot of a bar at the bottom of the screen. Occasionally power-ups appear on screen, letting you go into rapid-fire fucking mode, letting you just click wildly for a bonus score. After a few experimental clicks I soon got into a steady rhythm, increasing my score as rapidly as my resentment towards our Editor in Chief for making me review this. Clicking on a chair will have the blob thing thrust enthusiastically against the object of its affections and produce a prompt to tell you if the tempo of your pounding is the right speed. ![]() There’s not even the pretext of Netflix and chill or any attempt at foreplay here, just straight to frenzied furniture fornication. Once you’ve selected a paramour for the evening, you’re whisked right into the chair fucking itself. There’s a truly tantalising variety on display too, from more traditional chairs, all the way to neon toilet seats and garbage cans. Once I clicked the “I want to fuck a chair” button, and inwardly shuddered at what I’d just consented to, I was taken to a Tinder-esque screen, offering a veritable roster of randy recliners to swipe left or right on.Ĭhair fucking purists may be disappointed as the choice of partners extends to practically any inanimate object one can sit on (though whether you’d want to is another matter). We don’t know, because Chair Fucking Simulator has no plot or story, simply thrusting, literally and metaphorically, straight into the action. Then again, perhaps the blob thing has been exiled to this barren wasteland because of its forbidden lust for furniture. One would surmise the blob thing has become so maddened by its life that it seeks out casual carnal companionship from inanimate objects online. It lives in some sort of misty post-apocalyptic car park, and from the Windows XP-esque title screen, we can only discern it hasn’t upgraded its computer since the noughties. Recently though, I was given something with even more gravitas to appraise: Chair Fucking Simulator.Ĭhair Fucking Simulator casts the player as some sort of wretched gray blob thing with withered limbs and perennially filthy expression. After I was assigned the onanistic opus Wanking Simulator to review, I often wondered if I would ever be assigned to review something quite so profoundly prestigious ever again. ![]()
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